daisies and puff pastries

It has been two months. I have never been someone who is short of words. Ever. But recently, I don't really think that I have had the words. I have thoughts, but never seem to write them down. I have prayers that never seem to scratch the surface of what I am trying to convey. Even now, I am watching as my cursor blinks on the screen. I have so much to tell you, yet nothing seems to come out. Unfortunately- and surprisingly- I have begun to be very critical of my writing. To be frank, I am not entirely sure where it came from. Maybe it's the anxiety talking. 

I think I have come to terms with the fact that I think a lot. I've come to terms with the fact that my mind races and I jump from topic to topic within my brain. I have come to terms with the fact that my brain is run by “What If’s”. What if my first impression was not the best? What if I run out of time? What if my words are not eloquent enough? What if no one reads what I write? And to that I say (reluctantly, because I am still learning), “LIBERTY! GROW UP!” Who cares? They probably don't remember that you went in for a handshake and they went in for a hug (true story, hi donovan, I still think about it). They probably do not care that you stuttered over your words (and more than likely did not even notice). Who cares if anyone reads what you write? They are just my thoughts. No one else's. 

So, here, I am just going to write. Enjoy. 

Life is busier. More than I could have ever expected. My days seem to start before the sun rises and end after it sets. But I love it all. 

My house is filled with flowers and cookies and laughter. Each morning is marked by the orange sunlight streaming through the slits of my blinds. Paired perfectly with silence, at least until I’m met with the laughter of my roommates. I would not have it any other way. Elizabeth is kind and tender and selfless. Abbie is authentic and loyal and compassionate. Anna is joyful and servant-hearted and intentional. 

Each day, I walk the streets of Baylor campus praying. I pray for my professors. For exams. For my girls that I disciple. I pray for the week and all it holds. I pray for my friendships and relationship. For my family and for the weather and for strength. Each day, I walk in awe of the Lord’s kindness. His faithfulness is evident in the life I live. A life that is marked by His peace, provision, and goodness. I feel Him in the wind. In the sun that presses warmth to my skin. I hear Him in the chirping of the birds. I see Him in the smiles of strangers and lunch dates with friends. It’s a life that is good. 

In the two months of being on my own and in my own home, I have learned that my favorite times of the day are in between moments. When walking from class to class, I see Juliana or Ally or Kylie, all of whom show me Jesus more and more. Walking into work, I see people who have already become like a family (even in the short two months I have worked there). I have peace in the quiet before I go to sleep, getting to reflect on the day's work and the work that lies ahead. But ultimately, the moment that each of my roommates and I sit down on our little couch with our little sweet treats with our pretty little liars, my life feels at ease. It is moments like this that I have prayed my entire life for. 

A house that is filled with flowers. A house that is filled with cookies. A house that is filled with way too much laughter for our own good (we cannot focus). A house that has a quote wall… with almost every one being said by Anna. A house with a feral cat that terrorizes us when we try to leave. A house with 4 different keys on the wall and 4 different pints of icecream and 4 different chairs and 4 different water bottles. Yet they work in perfect harmony. 

I look forward to each day. I rise, and I rejoice in the work that has happened and the work that is to come. (And all of the chaos that will ensue). I have learned to love quality time even more. I have learned that I miss my dad and my mom and my sister and my brother. All. The. Time. I miss my dad’s jokes, my mom’s selflessness, and my sister’s wit. I miss their company and their stability. Yet, in Waco, I have a family of my own. A home of my own. One that is a mosaic of the love of the people who raised us. And we love one another because of it. 

So here you go. Thoughts that for a while have been only mine. Now they are ours. 

songs that have been on repeat lately:

american honey by current joys

love on the weekend by john meyer

dont think twice, its all right by bob dylan

silver springs by fleetwood mac

re: stacks by bon iver

good news by mac miller

making the bed - olivia rodrigo

there she goes by the la’s

kingston by faye webster

ode to a conversation stuck in your throat by del water gap

all those pretty lights by andrew belle

like everybody else - lennon stella 

i cant make you love me by bon iver

to the mountains by lizzy mcalpine

pretty girl in la by girlhouse

i remember everything by zach bryan ft. kasey musgraves