the taste of laughter

Something that I have grown to love is the taste of laughter. It is a small taste of heaven. 

I have learned to surround myself with it. To surround myself with people that feel like home. People that bring peace. People that are so filled with the Spirit that there is no denying His presence. People that feel as though puzzle pieces have finally turned the right way. For home to become people is such an odd thing to describe. It feels unnatural to be away from them; and their inevitable return soothes a pulsing heart. It’s an interesting thing. 

There is not enough time on this Earth to account for the need for their presence. Their happiness becomes yours. Their comfortability becomes yours. Smiles are tattooed in your mind. And the sound of laughter echoes. 

A touch of heaven.

There’s a special thing about a home. When the lights are on, you get to see all of the pretty trinkets. You get to witness the love that takes place within it. The hugs and digital camera pictures and kisses and game nights and dance parties and singing into wooden spoons. And then the lights turn off, and the home is quiet. The trinkets are hidden; yet, the vulnerability comes out at night. The prayers begin, singing with others turns to singing in the shower, and talking with others turns into talking to your ceiling. 

It’s a funny thing when your ceiling becomes your best friend. It’s the first person you talk to about them. And its lack of response gives you something to dream about. 

It’s lovely when a person becomes a home. 

Ezer. A Hebrew word that is a direct root of my heart. Used exactly 21 times in the Old Testament. A helper. A complimentary servant. A warrior. An aid. A rescuer. A woman of strength. My heart beats for the people that I love. And as it beats, it beats to the rhythm of their laughter. It learns their needs and their worries. It learns their passions and their ambitions. Their goals and their trials and strengths and insecurities. And I learn to love it all. And I am blessed by it. I am blessed by the synchronization of our heartbeats. I am blessed in serving them and leading them to the living water, daily. I am blessed to serve them with hands and a heart that has been put there by the Lord. A helper. I think that describes me perfectly. 

I haven't always been that way either. I wasn't always the “mom friend”. I was an achiever. I always had something to prove and a goal to reach. I wanted to build my own home and invite in the people that I wanted to be there. I used to suppress the side of me that wanted to serve out of the fear of the love I have not being reciprocated. The younger me would hate what I am about to say. However, two years ago, I came to terms with the fact that my home is not my own and I am okay with being a helper. My home has become the people I love most in this world. Their needs have become my own. The stability of their heart becomes my own. My heart beats for them. 

I think that is why I get homesick so easily. My heart longs to serve and longs to love. It longs for dances in the kitchen singing into wooden spoons. It longs for game nights and Pretty Little Liars with my best friends. For handwritten notes and playing with hands. For late night drives. It longs for Jesus and conversation. For hugs and for kisses and reciting movie lines and playing the piano. It longs for jazz and for holding hands and for comfortable silence. It longs for worship. It longs to be known. It longs for glances where thoughts are spoken and memorization and pinky promises. It longs for the rain and coffee. It longs for old books and vinyls and playlists. It longs for “I thought of you.” For generosity and truth. Luckily, I have been able to find a home in a fair share of people. People who love me and point me towards the truth on a daily basis. To a place where I am fully known and fully loved. People who love the fact that I long to be a servant and know that my love is not transactional. But rather simply, a clear funnel of the Lord’s love. A crap ton of love that God has given me to borrow.

Ezer. 

I think there are just some people in this world who are meant to love. And love passionately. People who are just so full of it that they might explode. They are meant to pour it out and do so well. I have never in my life been so thankful that I am one of those people.

a rotating disk right now:

bathroom light by mt. joy

perfume by del water gap

unknown/nth by hozier

sweet disposition by the temper trap

fool for love by lord huron

viciously lonely by the backseat lovers

stolen dance by milky chance

green eyes by coldplay

blue by zach bryan

use somebody by kings of leon

she will be loved by maroon 5

late night talking by harry styles

orange blood by mt. joy

the one you need by brett eldridge

you are in love by taylor swift